Gladiator Party League

Hails from Syria — though he will passionately tell anyone within earshot that he's from Jordan. Undefeated in arguments about his own birthplace (record disputed by his birth certificate). Trains exclusively by watching Mike O'Hearn videos at 2x speed. Once did one push-up and talked about it for three weeks.

Obsessed with Christmas 365 days a year — his tree is still up. Communicates exclusively in inspirational quotes: “life is so special,” “relationships are everything,” “we should all just be happy, guys.” Teammates describe talking to him as being trapped inside a Barney episode. Once ended a fistfight by hugging his opponent and whispering “you're enough.”

Jonathan’s fiancée. Can break any car just by sitting in the passenger seat — no tools, no effort, no survivors. Mechanics within a five-mile radius feel a disturbance in the Force. Once killed a rental just by buckling the seatbelt. Her presence voids warranties.

Signature move: “Passenger-Seat Curse.”

The moneybags bankrolling this entire league — the arena, the trophies, even the snacks. Every punch thrown here was paid for by Andrew. Asks for nothing in return except to be called “the moneybags guy” at all times.